The elections are on Tuesday, I know. But want to hear something really scary? Halloween is tomorrow. Shriek! Amid the unrelenting campaign ads and positive-till-Wednesday local sports news, maybe you forgot to think of a costume for that party still waiting on your RSVP. Well, have I got good news for you.
For years, at my previous job in South Dakota, I came up with niche, low-budget costumes that required almost no preparation, were based on the year’s local news and were almost guaranteed to make fellow partygoers chuckle, albeit in a concerned, sad sort of way.
It felt only right to bring this crucial service to the people of the Twin Cities. So – for the first time – I offer you a series of budget-friendly, last-minute Halloween costumes for which I will personally write an apology note if you actually use them.
What you’ll need: A big hat (unlike Waymo’s big hat, yours does not need to emit lasers)
Notes: Show up early and alone and hover near people who seem like they might be trying to head to another party. But watch out for crowding if a bunch of other people wearing the same thing show up, too. Consider bringing your partner as a “Human Safety Monitor” to hold your hand the entire time. (Editor’s note: The mayor has vetoed this great idea for a couples costume.)
What you’ll need: A big cardboard box and a significant amount of patience
Notes: Give your fellow partygoers an abject lesson in what it’s like to deal with the daily train blockages in north Minneapolis’ Camden neighborhood. Stand in front of the snack table, the bar, the bathroom, the TV, the door, whatever. When people complain, assure them that construction on an overpass or underpass should begin in just 5 or 6 years.
What you’ll need: An open heart, a sense of longing, some buckthorn – but like, fake buckthorn. Just bring a downed stick or something. Please don’t bring an invasive species to your friend’s Halloween party.
Notes: Be prepared to explain this viral dating app alternative to partygoers who are in a committed relationship, or simply don’t like going outside very much. Maybe see if you can get “kissing under the buckthorn” to be a thing – mistletoe has had it too good for too long.
What you’ll need: A copy of “Wedding Crashers” on DVD, which is, as of a month ago, readily available in Little Free Libraries across south Minneapolis. Depending on the location of your Halloween party, it’s possible you could put off getting your costume ready until seconds before you arrive.
Notes: A 2024 Consumer Reports survey showed that less than half of Americans had used a DVD or Blu-Ray disc in the previous year, so you might have some trouble actually finding a way to show “Wedding Crashers” at the Halloween party. If the host does own a Blu-Ray player, you will probably run into the larger issue of trying to show “Wedding Crashers” at a Halloween party without being asked to leave.
What you’ll need: A gray shirt and gray pants – or maybe just an old pipe you have. (Why do you have an old pipe?)
Notes: Okay, it’s important to note that this costume is NOT SCARY. Sure, maybe you’re a Twin Cities resident who got a letter that said you have lead pipes. But there’s a lot of stuff that Public Works does to make sure that lead isn’t getting into your water. Still, maybe let someone else pour the drinks.
What you’ll need: A watch to look at with disdain, regret that you forgot a bottle of water
Notes: Judging by those videos from this year’s State Fair, I don’t think anyone actually needs any practice on this one. Also judging by those videos, staying at home on your couch instead of attending the party might actually be the most accurate representation of the costume from a spatial perspective.
What you’ll need: Clothes hidden deep in your closet, some ground beef
Notes: U.S. Rep. Tom Emmer (R-MN) said in September that “beef is at less than $2 a pound for ground beef,” which came as a shock to anyone who has entered a grocery store in recent years. But if you put your best Kurt Cobain or Britney Spears fit on and blast “Say My Name” by Destiny’s Child, you can go back to March of 2000 – the last time ground beef actually cost $2 a pound.
Have other ideas? Send them my way! And if you use any of these, let me know how that goes for you. Or better yet, share your best costume photo for a chance to show up on our socials. Happy Halloween!
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